Sample Coverage

Title: “Bar Code”
Author: Jane Doe
Medium: Feature screenplay
Pages: 118
Reader: Keil Troisi
Genre: Sci-fi thriller
Circa/Locale: 2050 / New York City
Target Audience: Teens / Adults (16-40)

RECOMMENDATION (pass/consider/recommend): CONSIDER
OVERALL RATING (1-10): 7

Rating Comment
Concept 8 High-concept hook which, although a bit gimmicky, has intrinsic appeal.
Story 7 Works within genre conventions but pushes the envelope at some points (Act 2) to avoid cliche.
Characterization 5 Protagonist is empathetic, surrounded by supporting characters who serve the story but need more dimensionality.
Dialogue 5 Propels the story, but not character-specific enough.
Commercial viability 8 Manages to bridge the gap between sci-fi fans and general audiences.  Action elements could tap into profitable teen male demographic, the female protagonist could attract female viewers.
Writer 5 Standard genre writing that has a compelling premise.  The pacing is quick, plot is lean and focused, but there little unique voice is conveyed.  Sloppy in parts, with typos and some formatting errors.  At times, feels as though the storyteller is whispering stage directions to a filmmaker rather than captivating the reader.

LOGLINE

In a grim, dystopian future, a young woman discovers a conspiracy lurking beneath society’s superficial façade.  She must uncover the truth, evade a murderous counterattack, and reveal the deception before it’s too late.

COMMENTS

Since the publication of Fahrenheit 451, 1984, and The Giver, there have been numerous films that tread in the same territory: hypothetical future societies in which creative, free-thinking culture has been oppressed - until the protagonist fights back.  It’s a compelling, entertaining, and relevant genre that allows for social commentary to be conveyed in an engaging way.  As the recent V For Vendetta proves, storytellers can comment on current socio-political events from the safe distance science fiction allows.  Bar Code succeeds in this to a certain extent, but provides nothing profoundly new.  The action elements make it more like the cinematic equivalent of a Cliff Note companion to the literature by which it is influenced.  But, the big-budget, high-concept elements do suggest solid commercial value, and at least an entertaining night at the movies.  The story presents some cool, new gadgetry and futuristic systems that manage to amuse, a requisite in this genre.  The inventiveness of some of the superficial elements of the script is one of its strongest points; even though we’ve seen this story and heard its message before, this is definitely a modern retelling, particularly with its cloning elements.

The values at stake don’t seem high enough and don’t go from least to greatest.  As the story progresses, the conflict comes from MADALENA’S realization that what she’s doing might have negative consequences.  But after that, the actions she takes to accomplish her goals become less dynmamic.  The forces opposing her diminish in comparison to the greater antagonism earlier.  We want suspense to increase with the protagonist’s peril.  As it is, MADALENA too-easily overcomes lesser obstacles.

The story structure and plot are straightforward, concise, with a climax that wraps it all up.  The only weak point is, unfortunately, one of the most important story points: what makes MADALENA have an epiphany about her world? There isn’t  a clear or expressive event that triggers her change. It’s a compelling and important scene, and shouldn’t be left offscreen.  For such a commercially-minded, classically-plotted story, it’s not complete without that first major turning point – her “call to action”.

[FURTHER COMMENTS OMITTED]

SIMILAR FILMS

The Island (2005) $126M $36M $125M
Spy Kids (2001) $35M $113M $35M
Code 46 (2004) N/A $250000 N/A
The Running Man (1987) $27M $38M N/A
figures from www.boxofficemojo.com, unless otherwise noted.
*figures from us.imdb.com